Big Madame Sunshine
As we near the end of 2024, I’ve been thinking a lot about the process of taking up space and finding my voice over the last few years. Finding confidence and clarity in my beliefs and value systems has been a difficult journey — an ongoing shedding process of sorts. Something I learned about growth and change is that once you stop fitting into the mold of how people expect you to behave, it becomes lonelier. But I’m also recognizing that non-conformity and authenticity to yourself leads to liberation. I’m actively deciding that’s okay.
One day, while chatting with my partner about some ideas for sticker designs, I thought it might be cute to do something weather-related. I love using bright colours in my illustrations and what’s brighter than rainbows and sunshine? We began talking about the idea of the phrase “Little Miss Sunshine” (not to be confused with the movie). As we kept chatting, I noticed that phrase began to stir a lot of emotions within me.
For me, the phrase “Little Miss Sunshine” summarizes most of my childhood, adolescence, and parts of my early adulthood. As a young Southeast Asian woman, I constantly performed perfectionism, optimism, and neurotypicality. I feel like there’s an unspoken expectation placed on AFAB (assigned female at birth) and femme-presenting folks to be enthusiastic, smiling, and polite all the time in order to be well-loved and socially accepted. In other words, when I took on the role of “Little Miss Sunshine”, this often meant social masking and withholding parts of myself I really wanted to express in order to fit in. I especially felt this in spaces inherently designed to uphold hierarchical structures where people might be unaware of existing power dynamics (ex. “professional” workplaces, religious environments, patriarchal family settings).
In the past, I’ve felt this experience when working in male-dominated spaces that made it difficult for me to confidently and safely take up space. When I look back at my adolescence and my early 20s, my voice was often filtered and expressed through a male supervisor or “mentor”, which communicated a message to me that my words were only as reliable and valid as the man who articulated them on my behalf. This narrative affected my language, influencing me to stray away from vulnerability and a more critical lens on the conditions of being heard. On the few occasions I mustered up the courage to share my ideas, speaking up felt like an act of advocacy, slowly draining my energy and dimming my light.
“Something I learned about growth and change is that once you stop fitting into the mold of how people expect you to behave, it becomes lonelier, but non-conformity and authenticity to yourself also leads to liberation.”
Growing up, I’ve always felt a little different. I can remember distinct instances when someone would point out something that felt so normal to me, but was clearly not normal for everyone else. Over the past 3 years, I’ve been able to identify that a lot of these “quirks” are part of being neurodivergent. Through working with a neurodivergent-affirming therapist, I’ve learned so much about what being a part of that community looks like for me. My journey has led me to resources and support that have enabled me to discover dormant and inspiring parts of myself. I’ve expanded and deepened my learning to show up more aligned with my values and equip myself with tools to reframe my limitations as opportunities for growth. I’ve also been able to understand more deeply how my brain operates, how I process information, how I prefer to be loved and interacted with, what accommodations I need, how to advocate for my emotional and physical/sensory needs, and much more. It excites me to cultivate a sense of agency and leaning into this part of my identity has truly changed my life for the better.
The phrase “Big Madame Sunshine” comes from a yearning within me for people, most especially women of color, to be more authentically themselves and to take up space. This idea symbolizes my desire to care for the light within me, nurturing the gifts I bring to the table. I want to trust that my voice and presence are valuable. This idea is also a call to others (and myself) to be someone who facilitates and creates environments where being who you are is encouraged and celebrated. We need to assess how the spaces we build reflect the priorities and levels of accessibility that impact neurodiverse and disabled population groups. Let’s all learn how to architect intentional community spaces that embolden people of color and promote a more holistic view on inclusion.
In contrast to the idea of “Little Miss Sunshine”, I’m slowly learning to lean more into my presence and show up as “Big Madame Sunshine” (AKA myself! With all my intersectionalities).
✨ The Final Sticker Design ✨
Here are a few resources that continue to guide me through my learning process:
Content CreatorsBooksUnmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity By Devon Price, PhD
Build It and They Will Come: A Guide to Architecting Intentional Community By Cat Lantigua
If you have any resources you would like to share, I would love to hear your recommendations! And if you would like to chat more about neurodivergence in general or what that looks like for you/me, I invite you to reach out :) I’m more than happy to connect in person too!
